Identity Free Write...

        Whenever I am asked to define my identity I am often thrown into a heightened state of panic. I begin to stare at the ceiling as if florescent lighting will contain my answer. I feel as though I am in math class, and being asked to solve some ridiculous algorithm. Dramatic I know. But what does identity even mean? How could I possible conjure up the words to describe my current state of being? Of existence? Am I expected to describe a compilation of decisions, prejudices, and experiences? Is that my identity?  

        However this is just one small piece of this supposed compilation. My attempt at defining the word “ladylike”. Whenever I hear this word my mind is instantaneously thrown into the mindset of a stereotypical 1950s housewife. As if this word was derived of this seemingly captive lifestyle. The white picket fences acting as prison bars, and apron strings as handcuffs. A life of subservient silence, and family service. And all I think of is, ewww. Even in a contemporary society and mindset, for me, this word still holds the same overwhelming connotation. 

       I hesitantly contemplate how others must react when I use such harsh language to describe a seemingly harmless adjective. Do they think of me as one of those “angry feminist types”? Has she been listening to too much Alanis Morissette? Or perhaps I have not been so forthcoming with my strong views on my definition of this word. To best ensure that people do not come to the wrong conclusion. To put myself in between both extremes. The admirer of traditional feminine values and the angry feminist-- the latter being the less desired perception. 

       Do I ultimately project myself with a neutral opinion? Or do I purposefully surround myself with people who understand? As to avoid harsh judgement, and misinterpretations of my character. Why do I think this way? What lead me to think this way? I am still unsure. After all those are complicated questions to answer.